wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
