the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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