Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
People in love make me want to vomit
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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