My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
