shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
