remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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