One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
