I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
