i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
