We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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