There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize
