I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
