i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
