Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
