Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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