I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
you didnt know i had herpes?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Randomize
