Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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