Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
