i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
