So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
