so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize