Porn is love you can see.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
