Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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