ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
