Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
you traded sex for a burrito?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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