I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Randomize
