Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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