I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
