wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
