everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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