I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Randomize
