Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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