Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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