I think I died a long time ago.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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