I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
