i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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