He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
