I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Drunk is not a location!
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize