apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
