I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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