I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
