do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
