the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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