I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
