Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
