I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
