you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
