im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
this is an emotional support booty call
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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