onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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