i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
