She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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