Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
