I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Randomize
