You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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