I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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