Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
