Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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