Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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