i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
You're a waste of cheezeits
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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