sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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