Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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