hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
