Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
